Thanks to Christmas’ rich folklore and the money-hungry sons of bitches in the film industry, when you’re not out being a good holiday consumer, you can sit at home and enjoy the myriad of movies meant to kindle your Christmas spirit. The problem is most only kindle your gag reflex. For every “soft glow of electric sex in the window” there’s a dozen “rock’em, sock’em jet-packs.” In an effort to help you wade through the mirthy-muck of holiday television, Laura and I have chosen our top five Christmas films of all-time. Basically, these are the movies you need to be watching. And since Christmas doesn’t end until February 14th, you’ll have plenty of time to see any or all of these. Happy Merry!
HE SAID:
5. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Jim Carrey Version)
Bottom line, The Grinch having lines and Jim Carrey delivering them makes this movie. Classic or not, the original movie was kind of boring. Dr. Seuss’s writing is the only thing that makes the movie watchable so this is a dramatic improvement. The x-factor in this movie is Anthony Hopkins as narrator. I think everyone is in agreement that when it comes to narrating, Morgan Freemen is aces. Freemen could turn the story of a kitten being killed in traffic into a bed time story. However, by the end of Silence of the Lambs I wanted Hannibal Lecter to be my grandpa. His voice is so hypnotic; I’m pretty sure he could talk me into sharing a meal made of one of my kidneys, and that’s exactly why was perfect for the movie. Even when The Grinch is stealing Christmas, you don’t really hate him. It’s like when Baxter pooped in the refrigerator – instead of being mad, you’re amazed that he’s literally stealing Christmas. Kudos to you Anthony Hopkins.
4. A Very Brady Christmas (TV)
A surprise, I’m sure. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen this, but I’m 99.3% positive this was terrible in everyway a movie can be terrible and you can bet your ass it had one
of the wishy-washiest endings there ever was. What makes this top-five worthy is it put together one of the greatest reunions ever. They managed to get every member of the original cast back except Cindy who was played by the chick who played the female student being tested for the effects of negative reinforcement on ESP in Ghostbusters. I’m pretty sure they even got Sam the butcher to come back. If you’re unimpressed by the reunion, Mike Brady is trapped inside a collapsed building for 50% of the movie – high drama. (I also want to add that as I was writing this, every time I’d glance at the title I thought it said “A Very Bad Christmas.” I’m only sharing this because I thought that it bared some ironic significance.) 3. Christmas Vacation
As much as I hate the National Lampoon Vacation movies, this is a staple in my Christmas entertainment. If you can’t appreciate or identify with the family dynamics in this movie, well…tell the Beaver I said “Hi.” This movie got my top-three vote based on the duo of Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis alone. In fact, I pretty much watch this movie just for them. If you don’t know who they are you need to watch this movie again. Here’s a taste:
Ellen Griswold: Oh! Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.
Aunt Bethany: Oh, dear. Did I break wind?
Uncle Lewis: Jesus…Did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no. She means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.
2. It’s A Wonderful Life
This movie was made in 1946 so it was well before my time or anyone else’s that I imagine would read this, however, I bet everyone who might read this will have heard of this movie. That’s what you call a classic. Of all the memorable parts of this movie, the one that has stuck with me since the first time I saw it is the scene when Mr. Gower boxes George’s ears until they bleed. I remember the first time I saw it; I flinched at its viciousness. It wasn’t because it had drawn blood from the ears or even that it was completely unwarranted. It’s was just weird. Who would even think to do something like that? What kind of sick person would know that doing that to someone’s ears would inflict that kind of pain? Mean Mr. Gower that’s who. Leave it to a drug dealer…
1. A Christmas Story
This was more or less a given. The argument for this movie begins and ends with it airing for 24hrs on Christmas Eve. Name one other movie that has ever been aired for 24 consecutive hours; I triple dog dare ya. Couldn’t do it could ya? No other movie is this universal. Honestly, who likes meat loaf? Who hasn’t shown mommy how the piggies eat? Who hasn’t beaten their childhood bully with mittened hands until their nose bled and then cried into their mother’s bosom? I know that 13 years ago (or so, I don’t know how old Ralphie is in the movie) I was Ralphie, and before then, I was Randy. Instead of “Whoopee a zeppelin!”, it was something like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8aXnzYQLsA. We’ve all had our pink nightmares and our own Red Rider BB Guns on Christmas Day, our F-dash-dash-dash experiences with a parent and at least once, we’ve shot our eye out. This is a real Christmas story.
Laura excluded Christmas Vacation. Can you believe it? You might say, “Yeah, but you didn’t have Love Actually or Home Alone!” To that, I say, Home Alone had little to do with Christmas. Sure, it’s based around Christmas, but it’s mostly about a kid surviving on his own and defending his home against burglars. Challenge me on that; I dare you. And honestly, I completely forgot about Love Actually, which is good enough to knock the Brady’s out of my top-five, but I really like seeing Mike Brady trapped under rock and steel so they stay. Easily a top-three placer, there’s no way Christmas Vacation should even be absent from the top-five. To miss the top five because of Charlie Brown or a Brady is just insulting. I’m insulted. I feel like Ralphie when he found out that Little Orphan Annie just wanted him to drink his Ovaltine – complete and utter disgust. Son of a bitch…
SHE SAID:
When asked to rattle off my top 5 favorite Christmas Movies, hesitation was something that was behind me. Christmas is the one time of the year where you can watch a movie over and over about the same holiday and still just feel pure joy. How many movies are specifically made for Easter? Or how about Labor Day? Exactly. It literally is the most wonderful time of the year.
So without further due, I present my top 5 Christmas movies of all time.
5. Home Alone
Ok, I have seen this movie being played on TNT or TBS in the middle of the summer. So what does that mean? Classic. What else does it mean? Multi-seasonal. You can’t help but fall in love with McCauley Caulkin in this movie. And when old mcolderstein ends up helping/saving him at the end. Chills. Absolute chills. (Side note: I feel like the old dude is the same guy ‘Dear Johnny’ from Now and Then. Or maybe they just look similar. And old.) Home Alone is a pure feel good movie, and if you didn’t buy a talkboy after seeing it, you really shouldn’t be my friend. This movie is so ridiculously quotable that I feel like quoting it right now. BUZZ, YOUR GIRLFRIEND, WOOF.
4. A Very Brady Christmas
Oh, Robert Reed. Why oh why did you have to die of AIDS? What can I say about a Very Brady Christmas? Well, first of all it was nice to see all the kids back together. Why is it that the hot one (Marcia) always marries the ugly guy? And the mediocre one (Jan) marries the handsome rich one? Think: The Huxtables. Sondra married Alvin. And Denise married that tall marine guy. Weird. ANYWAYS, bottom line is anything that has Florence Henderson singing is so bad that it makes it good. And in this case-AWESOME.
3. A Charlie Brown Christmas
A simple Christmas story, with a simple man. Yes, man. Charlie Brown looks old. I’d say he’s in his mid 30s. This is a classic- one that my kids will watch, their kids will watch, and etc. Charlie Brown is a symbol of Christmas. He will never die. Even in his mid-30’s. And I'll say it- Linus is hot.
2. Love Actually
I feel it in my fingers...I feel it in my toesssss....
Matt Cook left this movie off of his list. Obviously because he is the grinch. And obviously the Jim Carrey version (which was terrible.) Everytime I think of Hugh Grant dancing I get warm fuzzy chills. This may be a chick flick, but it's also one for the years. You laugh, you cry, you become british. Isn't that what it's all about? My only gripe- I wish that Sarah (Laura Linney) and the Karl character actually got together. That was a let down. But I think they should do a Love Actually 2 and have the whole movie done with a shirtless Karl? Yes? I really should go into show business.
1. A Christmas Story
24 hours. Nonstop. Usually on TBS. How many times do I watch it a year? Usu
ally at least 4 or 5 times during the holiday season. It never gets old. And have you ever heard someone say, 'I can't believe they are playing this again.' Never. 'You're gonna poke your eye out kid!' God, I love it. I recentley saw the guy who played Ralphie in 'The Break Up'. He will never not be Ralphie. Even when he is 80. As I'm writing this, I'm getting excited knowing that it will be replayed in the very near future. You know it's Christmas when you see this movie. It's nice that there is a symbol that really gratifies the season. So here's to bebe guns, pink bunny costumes, and frozen telephone poles. Merry Christmas!When Cook made his selections, I wasn't too upset. Not much of them threw me off too much. I mean the fact that we both had 'A Very Brady Christmas' was monumental- since we do not agree on much. I do have to say, like I have stated above- I'm a little upset with his choice of The Jim Carrey version of 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas'. First of all, the fact that you are picking the Carrey version rather than the cartoon version just blows my mind. Secondly, Jim Carrey will be nothing but Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, so please don't bore me with your sad portrayals of classic characters of Christmas.
That concludes our first dueling blog. More to come in the weeks ahead. So to all- A happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and most importantly, a very Brady Christmas.
