We’re lunatics. I would hazard a guess and say that 30% (and I wouldn’t be surprised if this was low) of our own country is currently or is in danger of one day suffering from some kind of psychosis or delirium. In less than two years, it seems that we’ve entered the age of the female pop tart as opposed to the female pop star, we’ve witnessed an astronaut drive cross-country in diapers with a backseat full of tools to dispatch and discard a body, yet another congressmen
became involved in a homosexual (and hypocritical) scandal for allegedly propositioning the user of a neighboring bathroom stall with a foot (that was then defended by claiming to “have a wide stance”), and none of this includes the violent, and often grotesque, incidents that occur on a seemingly daily basis.
Although Laura and I have been dueling for only two posts, I recently made contact with her headquarters and suggested a cease-fire. After recently reading about a guy who mutilated and possibly ate the body of a woman, I felt a temporary armistice was needed to jointly address a mutual enemy that seems to be growing at a mind-numbing rate: world insanity.
He Says:
When I say “world insanity” I don’t mean literal insanity per se (in some cases I do). It just seems that every time you turn on or read the news there’s something in it that makes you say, “What the fuck?!” For instance, Pakistan’s President, Pervez Musharraf, recently stated that Pakistan’s former Prime Minister, Benazir Bhutto, was the only one to blame for her recent assassination. His reason was she shouldn’t have been “standing up outside the car.” (This is the part you say “What the fuck?!”) In other words, Benazir Bhutto killed Benazir Bhutto. Now, Musharraf isn’t crazy, but when we live in a world where someone is shot to death (the argument over whether someone actually shot her or whether she was killed by bomb shrapnel is a whole other ridiculous issue) and is then talked about in a “serves ‘em right” manner, that is insane. But then there are the people who might actually be insane.
In the introduction I alluded Christopher Lee McCuin, a 25 year old man who told an emergency dispatcher that he had killed 21 year old, Jana Shearer and was boiling her body parts at his mother’s home. McCuin, whose MySpace page has Fried Green Tomatoes (“Secret’s in the 
sauce.”) and Silence of the Lambs listed as his favorite movies, then, decided to boil an ear and make a plate of Jana. Did he really eat it? A fork sticking out of the flesh-on-a-plate implied that he did, but it was most likely just a symbol. To say this guy was crazy would be a fair statement. You don’t just chop someone up in the heat of passion. If not before, while you’re hacking through flesh and bone you’d regain your reason and think “Whoa, I’m getting a little carried away here. Probably should have thought this one through.” On top of it all, you don’t just haphazardly boil an ear, there are steps involved.
But then there are times when a person does something so stupid you just assume that they are crazy – even when they’re not. Take, for instance, a 12 year old who beat a toddler to death with a bat because she was crying while he was trying to watch TV. Granted, trying to follow the convoluted plot of a Yu-Gi-Oh episode with a 17 month old crying beside you can be frustrating – it was probably annoying as hell – but a bat? It’s like he was raised by Lennie from “Of Mice and Men.” Is this kid crazy? Probably not. Stupid, with incredible rage issues? Yeah.
There are also people who think it’s possible to have sex with the same person 200 times and have it be rape every single time. I’m referring to a “victim” and the state police in Pennsylvania. More than 1,100 charges have been brought against Roy Chamberlin because over a 13-month period he snuck into a woman’s house and “raped” her 200 times. As indicated by the quotations, I don’t believe this is possible. This was not rape, this was an affair. Even if this woman were to have been legitimately raped 100 times, that still leave another 100 times! That’s almost 4 times a week! I cannot be convinced that at some point she didn’t start expecting this guy to come through the window (that is, if he wasn’t using the door). Are we supposed to believe that every time he showed up she crumpled to the floor in traumatic fashion and sobbed as this terrible man had his way with her? 200 times this happened! The police say the women was “too terrified to call police” or…wait for it… “tell her husband”! She had a husband!
Any ounce of credibility this story had is lost when the husband gets brought into the picture. If she were just a poor, lonely soul, living in a bad neighborhood, who has been targeted by a savage, walking penis, I would have thought, “OK, maybe.” But out of 200 hundred times he’d have to be approached by his neighbors, be approached by Joey Greco question why his wife starts beating her fists into his chest and screaming “No! No! No!” when he tries to have sex with her… something. Normal, consensual infidelity doesn’t even last 13 months. The more probable explanation is that this was an affair of clockwork precision that was eventually found out and Roy Chamberlin was thrown under the bus.
For the sake of argument, let’s say it was rape (it’s not). Why would this woman hold out for so long? What was she afraid of? What was she protecting? What’d he threaten her life? Isn’t that standard rapist protocol? Plus, one would assume that if you survive the first five rapes, your rapist is probably intending on riding you ‘til you buck him (pun intended). I’m just guessing, but I’d say, unless our judicial system is more barbaric than I think, after being raped 20, hopefully no more than 30 times, there would be enough to put this guy away for a long, long time. So, the threat of him coming after you after he gets out of jail isn’t much of one. Put him in jail and start putting your life back together.
It’s this kind of inexplicable behavior that causes you to throw your hands into the air in bafflement and vexation. And I think that’s about where anyone who is a drooling member of the paparazzi is at with Britney Spears. I’m not about delve into the walking conflagration that is Britney Spears, but with a topic of world insanity she at least needs to be mentioned. The latest log to be thrown onto the fire was that Britney has "suffered from a psychological disease for years…there is no question she is bipolar…she's had manic episodes for years." A month ago, she was just a wayward pop icon who drank too much, wore underwear too frequent, and was a poor mother too often. Now, she’s legitimately, psychologically troubled. The E! True Hollywood Sto ry is almost palpable.
The good news is, Dr. Phil was kind enough to make a house-call to Britney’s hospital room. And
if you can believe it, he was ridiculed for crossing the line. Pshh, ingrates. How do you not love Dr. Phil and his flock of sheep? The guy makes millions telling people how to live their lives, but then goes and does something that’s easily recognizable as completely inappropriate. The whole situation, of course, is ignoring the fact that were this not Britney Spears, he’d be as sensitive to the situation as he would his last dump. It may seem like I’ve driven this off on a tangent, but it’s more than relevant. When you consider that the only reason anyone cares about Britney’s mental collapse is because of who she once was, it’s hard to tell who the crazies really are.
A subject as broad as this cannot be done justice in a piece a small as this. I’ve only used three or four consecutive days of news stories. Three or four days was enough to generate this kind of insane human behavior. Forget about World War III and all the nuclear war paranoia; we’re in serious danger of being taken down by general derangement. Are we being punished? Have we embraced the impenitent sin of Sodom and Gomorrah for too long? Are the Mayans and Nostradamus right? Is 2012 the end for us? If "God" is behind this, and there's no doubt he/she/it would be, there's really only one thing we can do to appease the almighty: kill all the gays.
She says:
Let’s go back to 1993 for a second. John and Lorena Bobbitt. Ring a bell? Growing up, this was a big shocker- even a parody of ‘the lion sleeps tonight’ was made from that. Having a hard time remembering that one? Let me help you: ‘A wiener chop, a wiener chop, a wiener chop… in the kitchen the mighty kitchen lorana grabs a knife…ahhh eeeeeee’ Bring back memories? Thinking back, I don’t remember why it was so funny. Was it because the thought of chopping off a man’s penis is secretly in back of every woman’s head or that he didn’t die? Now, if
he died from some sort of penal failure, surely the song wouldn’t have been so humorous. Was this the beginning of the end of crazy people doing the most insane things?
It seems like recently I have noticed news stories where someone did something incredibly bat-shit, insane. And the sad part…America loves this stuff. Aren’t we the society that is supposed to be so medicated that we can’t even feel feelings anymore? Apparently, some of us haven’t boarded the anti-crazy, medication-train.
So, for those who haven’t heeded to the “all aboard” call, ourselves (the saneites), and everyone else, here’s a tool to help gauge daily craziness.
Crazy-o-meter
1= I like you, but you’re crazy
2= Alright, now I’m creeped out
3= Insane
4= Jesus tap dancing Christ insane
5= It’s Britney bitch
For example…
A pair accused of trying to use corpse to cash check. Crazy level: 4
“Two men wheeled a dead man through the streets in an office chair to a check-cashing store and tried to cash his Social Security check before being arrested on fraud charges…”
Let’s break this down… These guys figured they wouldn’t be caught after wheeling Uncle Bernie down the street in an office chair…How? And only for a Social Security check. My god, what p
eople do for money. Don’t get me wrong, if I found a 100 dollar bill on the ground, I would surely not turn it in. You might say “You have no conscience,” but I say, “I’m poor.” The important difference between me and these guys is, in my situation, there isn’t a corpse holding the money. Shouldn’t you at least consider whoring yourself out before you decide to steal a deteriorating corpse’s money? Come on…where is the integrity? Oh wait, we don’t have any.
Here's another goodie. Crazy level: 3 (a point was added for the poor french fries that had to be unsalted)
“75-year-old Jean Merola was arrested by Clearwater, Florida police after refusing to pull her car forward at a McDonald's drive-thru, despite being ordered to do so by a police officer. She had ordered decaf coffee and "salt-free" french fries and was waiting for them. Merola said the McDonald's employees told her to wait there for her food. Merola was handcuffed behind her back and put in the cruiser. Another officer arrived and took her to the Pinellas County Jail . Merola says she was arrested after she refused to present identification and "cursed" at the officer when he radioed in to say she should be ‘taken to a mental hospital’. The officer's supervisor later apologized.”
So who gets the bigger “WTF?”? I’m saying, Jean. She really had it coming. I can’t even stand when people order more than 3 things at a fast food drive thru, let alone salt-free french fries.
That’s like ordering a double whopper with extra mayo and then capping it off with a diet coke – ya know, because you’re trying to lose some of the weight. But let’s cut her some slack; she’s trying to be somewhat responsible and watch her girlish figure. I mean at 75, if you don’t have your body, what do you have? The answer: salt-free french fries.
Now, I have met women like Jean. Pain in the ass bitches who can’t hear you and just assume you’re being incoherent, but even if they could hear you they’d still be cranky because they don’t have much time left, so if they’re going down, they’re going down kicking, screaming, biting and scratching. Their backs hurt, they can’t see anymore, and their hair is a weird fluorescent shade that give purpose to indigo being included in the colors of the rainbow. I love these women. They bring back the real meaning of “bitch”.
As for the police officer’s response (“You should be taken to a mental hospital”), well, yes, she should have. But god damnit, that’s something you think and don’t say. This lady is obviously not with it, so the last thing you want to do is piss her off even more. The unasked question through all of this is, how were the people behind her feeling? I think it went something like this: ‘salt-less french fry, old hag, son of a bitch.’ Just a guess.
I could go through 3,000 of these newstories and I still wouldn’t cover the true scope of these Britney Spears-like species. Of course, there are the sad stories. The stories where people kill a spouse, eat them, and spill some of their A-1 sauce on the floor or a child is left in a van overnight in the dead of winter because mom was in a heated text message conversation and forgot to check the backseat. But why dive into the sad stories when we can just laugh at the truly insane people who really should not be living among the human race.
So, next time you read a news story and find yourself saying, ‘what the f*ck?’ just remember Lorena Bobbitt is Donny Osmond compared to today’s Gary Busey. People are only getting crazier. Prepare for the needle on the crazy-o-meter to break and speed up the lines responsible for producing Prozac/Zoloft/Xanex. It’s time to drug America. It’s time for a real “Dawn of the Dead”. Hey…I think I just found my new entrepreneurial venture…
