WE WILL BE MAKING OUR GRAND RETURN SHORTLY. STAY TUNED!

Dear Diary, WHAT THE FUCK?!

* As you may have noticed, Laura and I have not had a new post in well over a month. We decided to take a leave of absence out of respect for our striking brothers and sisters in the Writer's Guild who are currently fighting greedy studio executives. (Laura's lazy.) We're sorry for making you miss us. *

We’re lunatics. I would hazard a guess and say that 30% (and I wouldn’t be surprised if this was low) of our own country is currently or is in danger of one day suffering from some kind of psychosis or delirium. In less than two years, it seems that we’ve entered the age of the female pop tart as opposed to the female pop star, we’ve witnessed an astronaut drive cross-country in diapers with a backseat full of tools to dispatch and discard a body, yet another congressmen became involved in a homosexual (and hypocritical) scandal for allegedly propositioning the user of a neighboring bathroom stall with a foot (that was then defended by claiming to “have a wide stance”), and none of this includes the violent, and often grotesque, incidents that occur on a seemingly daily basis.

Although Laura and I have been dueling for only two posts, I recently made contact with her headquarters and suggested a cease-fire. After recently reading about a guy who mutilated and possibly ate the body of a woman, I felt a temporary armistice was needed to jointly address a mutual enemy that seems to be growing at a mind-numbing rate: world insanity.

He Says:

When I say “world insanity” I don’t mean literal insanity per se (in some cases I do). It just seems that every time you turn on or read the news there’s something in it that makes you say, “What the fuck?!” For instance, Pakistan’s President, Pervez Musharraf, recently stated that Pakistan’s former Prime Minister, Benazir Bhutto, was the only one to blame for her recent assassination. His reason was she shouldn’t have been “standing up outside the car.” (This is the part you say “What the fuck?!”) In other words, Benazir Bhutto killed Benazir Bhutto. Now, Musharraf isn’t crazy, but when we live in a world where someone is shot to death (the argument over whether someone actually shot her or whether she was killed by bomb shrapnel is a whole other ridiculous issue) and is then talked about in a “serves ‘em right” manner, that is insane. But then there are the people who might actually be insane.

In the introduction I alluded Christopher Lee McCuin, a 25 year old man who told an emergency dispatcher that he had killed 21 year old, Jana Shearer and was boiling her body parts at his mother’s home. McCuin, whose MySpace page has Fried Green Tomatoes (“Secret’s in the sauce.”) and Silence of the Lambs listed as his favorite movies, then, decided to boil an ear and make a plate of Jana. Did he really eat it? A fork sticking out of the flesh-on-a-plate implied that he did, but it was most likely just a symbol. To say this guy was crazy would be a fair statement. You don’t just chop someone up in the heat of passion. If not before, while you’re hacking through flesh and bone you’d regain your reason and think “Whoa, I’m getting a little carried away here. Probably should have thought this one through.” On top of it all, you don’t just haphazardly boil an ear, there are steps involved.

But then there are times when a person does something so stupid you just assume that they are crazy – even when they’re not. Take, for instance, a 12 year old who beat a toddler to death with a bat because she was crying while he was trying to watch TV. Granted, trying to follow the convoluted plot of a Yu-Gi-Oh episode with a 17 month old crying beside you can be frustrating – it was probably annoying as hell – but a bat? It’s like he was raised by Lennie from “Of Mice and Men.” Is this kid crazy? Probably not. Stupid, with incredible rage issues? Yeah.

There are also people who think it’s possible to have sex with the same person 200 times and have it be rape every single time. I’m referring to a “victim” and the state police in Pennsylvania. More than 1,100 charges have been brought against Roy Chamberlin because over a 13-month period he snuck into a woman’s house and “raped” her 200 times. As indicated by the quotations, I don’t believe this is possible. This was not rape, this was an affair. Even if this woman were to have been legitimately raped 100 times, that still leave another 100 times! That’s almost 4 times a week! I cannot be convinced that at some point she didn’t start expecting this guy to come through the window (that is, if he wasn’t using the door). Are we supposed to believe that every time he showed up she crumpled to the floor in traumatic fashion and sobbed as this terrible man had his way with her? 200 times this happened! The police say the women was “too terrified to call police” or…wait for it… “tell her husband”! She had a husband!

Any ounce of credibility this story had is lost when the husband gets brought into the picture. If she were just a poor, lonely soul, living in a bad neighborhood, who has been targeted by a savage, walking penis, I would have thought, “OK, maybe.” But out of 200 hundred times he’d have to be approached by his neighbors, be approached by Joey Greco question why his wife starts beating her fists into his chest and screaming “No! No! No!” when he tries to have sex with her… something. Normal, consensual infidelity doesn’t even last 13 months. The more probable explanation is that this was an affair of clockwork precision that was eventually found out and Roy Chamberlin was thrown under the bus.

For the sake of argument, let’s say it was rape (it’s not). Why would this woman hold out for so long? What was she afraid of? What was she protecting? What’d he threaten her life? Isn’t that standard rapist protocol? Plus, one would assume that if you survive the first five rapes, your rapist is probably intending on riding you ‘til you buck him (pun intended). I’m just guessing, but I’d say, unless our judicial system is more barbaric than I think, after being raped 20, hopefully no more than 30 times, there would be enough to put this guy away for a long, long time. So, the threat of him coming after you after he gets out of jail isn’t much of one. Put him in jail and start putting your life back together.

It’s this kind of inexplicable behavior that causes you to throw your hands into the air in bafflement and vexation. And I think that’s about where anyone who is a drooling member of the paparazzi is at with Britney Spears. I’m not about delve into the walking conflagration that is Britney Spears, but with a topic of world insanity she at least needs to be mentioned. The latest log to be thrown onto the fire was that Britney has "suffered from a psychological disease for years…there is no question she is bipolar…she's had manic episodes for years." A month ago, she was just a wayward pop icon who drank too much, wore underwear too frequent, and was a poor mother too often. Now, she’s legitimately, psychologically troubled. The E! True Hollywood Sto ry is almost palpable.

The good news is, Dr. Phil was kind enough to make a house-call to Britney’s hospital room. And if you can believe it, he was ridiculed for crossing the line. Pshh, ingrates. How do you not love Dr. Phil and his flock of sheep? The guy makes millions telling people how to live their lives, but then goes and does something that’s easily recognizable as completely inappropriate. The whole situation, of course, is ignoring the fact that were this not Britney Spears, he’d be as sensitive to the situation as he would his last dump. It may seem like I’ve driven this off on a tangent, but it’s more than relevant. When you consider that the only reason anyone cares about Britney’s mental collapse is because of who she once was, it’s hard to tell who the crazies really are.

A subject as broad as this cannot be done justice in a piece a small as this. I’ve only used three or four consecutive days of news stories. Three or four days was enough to generate this kind of insane human behavior. Forget about World War III and all the nuclear war paranoia; we’re in serious danger of being taken down by general derangement. Are we being punished? Have we embraced the impenitent sin of Sodom and Gomorrah for too long? Are the Mayans and Nostradamus right? Is 2012 the end for us? If "God" is behind this, and there's no doubt he/she/it would be, there's really only one thing we can do to appease the almighty: kill all the gays.

She says:

Let’s go back to 1993 for a second. John and Lorena Bobbitt. Ring a bell? Growing up, this was a big shocker- even a parody of ‘the lion sleeps tonight’ was made from that. Having a hard time remembering that one? Let me help you: ‘A wiener chop, a wiener chop, a wiener chop… in the kitchen the mighty kitchen lorana grabs a knife…ahhh eeeeeee’ Bring back memories? Thinking back, I don’t remember why it was so funny. Was it because the thought of chopping off a man’s penis is secretly in back of every woman’s head or that he didn’t die? Now, if he died from some sort of penal failure, surely the song wouldn’t have been so humorous. Was this the beginning of the end of crazy people doing the most insane things?

It seems like recently I have noticed news stories where someone did something incredibly bat-shit, insane. And the sad part…America loves this stuff. Aren’t we the society that is supposed to be so medicated that we can’t even feel feelings anymore? Apparently, some of us haven’t boarded the anti-crazy, medication-train.

So, for those who haven’t heeded to the “all aboard” call, ourselves (the saneites), and everyone else, here’s a tool to help gauge daily craziness.

Crazy-o-meter

1= I like you, but you’re crazy

2= Alright, now I’m creeped out

3= Insane

4= Jesus tap dancing Christ insane

5= It’s Britney bitch

For example…

A pair accused of trying to use corpse to cash check. Crazy level: 4

“Two men wheeled a dead man through the streets in an office chair to a check-cashing store and tried to cash his Social Security check before being arrested on fraud charges…”

Let’s break this down… These guys figured they wouldn’t be caught after wheeling Uncle Bernie down the street in an office chair…How? And only for a Social Security check. My god, what people do for money. Don’t get me wrong, if I found a 100 dollar bill on the ground, I would surely not turn it in. You might say “You have no conscience,” but I say, “I’m poor.” The important difference between me and these guys is, in my situation, there isn’t a corpse holding the money. Shouldn’t you at least consider whoring yourself out before you decide to steal a deteriorating corpse’s money? Come on…where is the integrity? Oh wait, we don’t have any.

Here's another goodie. Crazy level: 3 (a point was added for the poor french fries that had to be unsalted)

“75-year-old Jean Merola was arrested by Clearwater, Florida police after refusing to pull her car forward at a McDonald's drive-thru, despite being ordered to do so by a police officer. She had ordered decaf coffee and "salt-free" french fries and was waiting for them. Merola said the McDonald's employees told her to wait there for her food. Merola was handcuffed behind her back and put in the cruiser. Another officer arrived and took her to the Pinellas County Jail . Merola says she was arrested after she refused to present identification and "cursed" at the officer when he radioed in to say she should be ‘taken to a mental hospital’. The officer's supervisor later apologized.”

So who gets the bigger “WTF?”? I’m saying, Jean. She really had it coming. I can’t even stand when people order more than 3 things at a fast food drive thru, let alone salt-free french fries. That’s like ordering a double whopper with extra mayo and then capping it off with a diet coke – ya know, because you’re trying to lose some of the weight. But let’s cut her some slack; she’s trying to be somewhat responsible and watch her girlish figure. I mean at 75, if you don’t have your body, what do you have? The answer: salt-free french fries.

Now, I have met women like Jean. Pain in the ass bitches who can’t hear you and just assume you’re being incoherent, but even if they could hear you they’d still be cranky because they don’t have much time left, so if they’re going down, they’re going down kicking, screaming, biting and scratching. Their backs hurt, they can’t see anymore, and their hair is a weird fluorescent shade that give purpose to indigo being included in the colors of the rainbow. I love these women. They bring back the real meaning of “bitch”.

As for the police officer’s response (“You should be taken to a mental hospital”), well, yes, she should have. But god damnit, that’s something you think and don’t say. This lady is obviously not with it, so the last thing you want to do is piss her off even more. The unasked question through all of this is, how were the people behind her feeling? I think it went something like this: ‘salt-less french fry, old hag, son of a bitch.’ Just a guess.

I could go through 3,000 of these newstories and I still wouldn’t cover the true scope of these Britney Spears-like species. Of course, there are the sad stories. The stories where people kill a spouse, eat them, and spill some of their A-1 sauce on the floor or a child is left in a van overnight in the dead of winter because mom was in a heated text message conversation and forgot to check the backseat. But why dive into the sad stories when we can just laugh at the truly insane people who really should not be living among the human race.

So, next time you read a news story and find yourself saying, ‘what the f*ck?’ just remember Lorena Bobbitt is Donny Osmond compared to today’s Gary Busey. People are only getting crazier. Prepare for the needle on the crazy-o-meter to break and speed up the lines responsible for producing Prozac/Zoloft/Xanex. It’s time to drug America. It’s time for a real “Dawn of the Dead”. Hey…I think I just found my new entrepreneurial venture…

You say you want a resolution...

You’re still nursing a hangover from celebrating the new year. A change is the last thing on your mind. Earlier that week you decided to give up carbs as your New Year’s resolution. But you feel if you don’t have a Big Mac right now you may die. So who cares about a resolution? It just is a novelty term, right? Well, I think this sparks some sort of debate. It’s time to explore the real meaning of New Year’s Resolution-if there’s one at all.

She Said:
Every year, around the New Year I make a resolution. Why? Because I always have this “I should” feeling. And I’m ok with that. Due to this age-old tradition, a resolution gives people a reason to change something about themselves- or do something for the greater good. And really, when else do we have an excuse to do either?

Wikipedia says it best (then again, when do they not):
A New Year's Resolution is a commitment that an individual makes to a project or a habit, often a lifestyle change that is generally interpreted as advantageous. The name comes from the fact that these commitments normally go into effect on New Year's Day and remain until fulfilled.

The great thing about resolutions is their broadness. You can resolute to find a better job, or to join a gym, or even to break away from a significant other. Whatever your resolution, you have every intention of going through with it. That is of course until you f-it all up which is bound to happen some years, if not every. But messing up your resolution or not following through isn’t really the issue. The fact that people sit there and think of something that will make them happier or more productive is a step this ever corrupt world needs to take more often. (But that’s a whole other blog topic.)

Wouldn’t you just love to make resolutions for other people? A resolution for them to be less lazy, or maybe make a better attempt to be a good friend…life would be so much easier. But it isn’t easy and that’s why we have to make the resolutions for ourselves. So you may ask, “What are your resolutions this year, Laura?” I’ll get to that in second. First, I’d like to give you a list of resolutions that I never followed through on, but had every intention of doing so.

1998- Give up chocolate
2001- Take a trip overseas
2002- Give up chocolate
2005- Leave Rochester
2006- Give up chocolate

Now, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t follow through on other resolutions – like join a gym, give to charity, being awesome etc. This year, I have decided to become less judgmental and make a more solid attempt to get to the gym that has been sucking money out of me every month. Will I follow through? Maybe, maybe not. What matters is I have intentions to do so and would like to make a change. And what does change lead to? Making a difference. Deep, I know.

In one of my prestigious and intelligent magazines (US weekly), I recently read a blurb about celebrities who were asked about their New Year’s resolutions. Their answers were either, “Oh, I never make them” or “I don’t have time for that”. Oh, please. If celebrities made actual resolutions, this world may be a better place. For example, if Britney Spears were to say, “Maybe I’ll get off drugs and take care of my children this year” or if Jerry Lewis were to resolute to be less of a racist… Maybe then we’d be getting somewhere.

Believing that a resolution is a bad idea or doesn’t make any sense is the reason why you have smoked for 30 years or are still suffering that falling out with a friend over nothing. Making a resolution isn’t hurting anyone, it’s only helping – kind of like Sesame Street. So, maybe you should take some time, if you haven’t already, and make a resolution this year. And if you need some inspiration, I would take a look at some reruns of Sesame Street. It really doesn’t get any better than that.


He Said:
A possible phone conversation…

Michael J. Fox: So, Dick…Are you going to completely hand over your balls to that queen, Ryan Seacrest, or are you gonna sac-up and do the thing on New Year’s Eve?
Dick Clark: I had a fucking stroke, Mike. I have basically lost half of my brain. Have you been watching the past couple years? I think enough is enough. I feel like an idiot up there. I’m fucking Dick Clark for Christ’s sake!
MJ: That’s right. You’re fucking Dick Clark! Dick American Bandstand $10,000 Pyramid Fucking Clark who is about to pass the torch to the pied piper of American Idol.
MJ: (pause) Have you seen me do an interview when I wasn’t on my medication? How do I look when I lose control of my face? Come on. I dare you. I’ll throw in all my future royalties from Doc Hollywood and The Secret of My Success.
DC: (long pause) This is the last time…You’re such an asshole. (click)

A probable phone conversation…

ABC Producer: Hey, Dick almost that time again. This is a big one: 100th anniversary of the Time Square ball-drop. Bring back Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve one more time big guy?
Dick Clark: Hehehehhhhhhhhhh…Yeah…I think I…
ABC: (yells “He’s in!” to people in the background) OK, great. We’ll Be in touch! (click)
DC: OK…(drools)

The end result…

10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…Happy Do Year!

MJ: I am an animal…OOOWWWWWWW!
ABC: Mother !#$%….

Let’s forget that Dick Clark looks way too much like the TV characters from the diner scene in Back to the Future II. What a way to cap off a celebration that’s supposed to mark new beginnings, fresh starts and getting off on the right foot…Happy Do Year. I couldn’t be happier. Do I wish Dick had opted for dignity rather than pride? Of course. Do I understand that he had to do it because it was the 100th ball-drop and he has been New Year’s face for the past 30 years? I do. Why so happy? Because “Happy Do Year” was symbolic of everything that New Year’s is not about: new beginnings, fresh starts and getting off on the right foot.

The celebration of the New Year is nothing more than just that. It’s just one more reason for us to get together, drink and eat. New Year’s Eve is the last party and New Year’s Day is “the last supper” of the holiday season, after that, you get back to your life. And that’s why I hate “New Year’s Resolutions.” For a week or two people completely trash their bodies with candies, cookies and cakes, abnormal quantities of alcohol and six course meals, then, they go around telling each other their resolution is to start going to the gym or running on the treadmill like it was the fruit of their time spent in complete isolation, thinking of nothing but their inner demons and personal flaws. That’s not a resolution! That’s ceasing to be a glutton. The return to a normal lifestyle will be a diet in itself, so even with minimum effort success is highly probable. Everyone will be back to their lives of lethargy in no time.

If you haven’t resolved to lose weight and instead decided you were going to start reading more (or something of that nature), I commend you for making a real resolution. (This doesn’t include “being nicer.” You might think that this is a legitimate resolution, but what if an prison inmate was up for parole and told the board that he had made a resolution to be less psychotic? Think about that.) But why now? There are 52 weeks in a year, which means, there are about 52 Mondays for you to say “Let’s do this.” And really, that’s a much more realistic way to set and actually realize a goal. That’s how you accomplish things – start small. When you make a resolution you’re saying “This year…” This YEAR. You set out to start doing something on a Monday and you’re saying “Today, and probably tomorrow…” A resolution is like trying to build something from the sky down.

More than the size of the commitment, a New Year’s resolution is almost an obligation. Since it’s still Christmas for most people anyway, I’m going to use A Christmas Story to help illustrate this last point. Let’s say your New Year’s resolution is meatloaf. Once New Year’s passes it’s time to start eating your meatloaf. Right now, you should be eating your meatloaf. You might be thinking, “Aww, jeez.” OK, fine. You don’t want meatloaf. But it’s meatloaf time and everyone else is eating meatloaf. There’s always the screwdriver and plumber’s helper to shove it in, but that makes it even less appealing. Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double-beatloaf…you hate meatloaf! Well, maybe you don’t hate meatloaf, you just don’t want it now. You could just put it in the frig. You might want it later. You might even enjoy it. It could be fun! And it will be. So, a word of advice: Stop worrying about your meatloaf and just show mommy how the piggies eat.



If you have made a resolution this year and don’t follow through with it, a nice consolation will be that, unlike Lent, not following through won’t result in being punished with eternal damnation and the wrath of a spiteful, vindictive god. Happy New Year!

Christmas Movies. Love 'em or hate 'em- They are here to stay. And to be argued about.

You hadn’t even crapped out the last of your Thanksgiving dinner and there were people who had already in shifted into Christmas. It’s the fastest holiday transition there is. November 22nd – people go to sleep hugging their cornucopias; November 23rd – they wake up holding poinsettias. It happens that fast. Right now, as you read this, it’s Christmas. That means gaudy light displays, the Salvation Army wants all your change, Jewish people are no longer listening to WARM 101.3 and a crap load of Christmas movies on TV. (It must really suck being Jewish this time of year…)

Thanks to Christmas’ rich folklore and the money-hungry sons of bitches in the film industry, when you’re not out being a good holiday consumer, you can sit at home and enjoy the myriad of movies meant to kindle your Christmas spirit. The problem is most only kindle your gag reflex. For every “soft glow of electric sex in the window” there’s a dozen “rock’em, sock’em jet-packs.” In an effort to help you wade through the mirthy-muck of holiday television, Laura and I have chosen our top five Christmas films of all-time. Basically, these are the movies you need to be watching. And since Christmas doesn’t end until February 14th, you’ll have plenty of time to see any or all of these. Happy Merry!

HE SAID:

5. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Jim Carrey Version)

Bottom line, The Grinch having lines and Jim Carrey delivering them makes this movie. Classic or not, the original movie was kind of boring. Dr. Seuss’s writing is the only thing that makes the movie watchable so this is a dramatic improvement. The x-factor in this movie is Anthony Hopkins as narrator. I think everyone is in agreement that when it comes to narrating, Morgan Freemen is aces. Freemen could turn the story of a kitten being killed in traffic into a bed time story. However, by the end of Silence of the Lambs I wanted Hannibal Lecter to be my grandpa. His voice is so hypnotic; I’m pretty sure he could talk me into sharing a meal made of one of my kidneys, and that’s exactly why was perfect for the movie. Even when The Grinch is stealing Christmas, you don’t really hate him. It’s like when Baxter pooped in the refrigerator – instead of being mad, you’re amazed that he’s literally stealing Christmas. Kudos to you Anthony Hopkins.

4. A Very Brady Christmas (TV)

A surprise, I’m sure. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen this, but I’m 99.3% positive this was terrible in everyway a movie can be terrible and you can bet your ass it had one of the wishy-washiest endings there ever was. What makes this top-five worthy is it put together one of the greatest reunions ever. They managed to get every member of the original cast back except Cindy who was played by the chick who played the female student being tested for the effects of negative reinforcement on ESP in Ghostbusters. I’m pretty sure they even got Sam the butcher to come back. If you’re unimpressed by the reunion, Mike Brady is trapped inside a collapsed building for 50% of the movie – high drama. (I also want to add that as I was writing this, every time I’d glance at the title I thought it said “A Very Bad Christmas.” I’m only sharing this because I thought that it bared some ironic significance.)

3. Christmas Vacation

As much as I hate the National Lampoon Vacation movies, this is a staple in my Christmas entertainment. If you can’t appreciate or identify with the family dynamics in this movie, well…tell the Beaver I said “Hi.” This movie got my top-three vote based on the duo of Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis alone. In fact, I pretty much watch this movie just for them. If you don’t know who they are you need to watch this movie again. Here’s a taste:

Ellen Griswold: Oh! Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.
Aunt Bethany: Oh, dear. Did I break wind?
Uncle Lewis: Jesus…Did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no. She means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.

2. It’s A Wonderful Life

This movie was made in 1946 so it was well before my time or anyone else’s that I imagine would read this, however, I bet everyone who might read this will have heard of this movie. That’s what you call a classic. Of all the memorable parts of this movie, the one that has stuck with me since the first time I saw it is the scene when Mr. Gower boxes George’s ears until they bleed. I remember the first time I saw it; I flinched at its viciousness. It wasn’t because it had drawn blood from the ears or even that it was completely unwarranted. It’s was just weird. Who would even think to do something like that? What kind of sick person would know that doing that to someone’s ears would inflict that kind of pain? Mean Mr. Gower that’s who. Leave it to a drug dealer…

1. A Christmas Story

This was more or less a given. The argument for this movie begins and ends with it airing for 24hrs on Christmas Eve. Name one other movie that has ever been aired for 24 consecutive hours; I triple dog dare ya. Couldn’t do it could ya? No other movie is this universal. Honestly, who likes meat loaf? Who hasn’t shown mommy how the piggies eat? Who hasn’t beaten their childhood bully with mittened hands until their nose bled and then cried into their mother’s bosom? I know that 13 years ago (or so, I don’t know how old Ralphie is in the movie) I was Ralphie, and before then, I was Randy. Instead of “Whoopee a zeppelin!”, it was something like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8aXnzYQLsA. We’ve all had our pink nightmares and our own Red Rider BB Guns on Christmas Day, our F-dash-dash-dash experiences with a parent and at least once, we’ve shot our eye out. This is a real Christmas story.

Laura excluded Christmas Vacation. Can you believe it? You might say, “Yeah, but you didn’t have Love Actually or Home Alone!” To that, I say, Home Alone had little to do with Christmas. Sure, it’s based around Christmas, but it’s mostly about a kid surviving on his own and defending his home against burglars. Challenge me on that; I dare you. And honestly, I completely forgot about Love Actually, which is good enough to knock the Brady’s out of my top-five, but I really like seeing Mike Brady trapped under rock and steel so they stay. Easily a top-three placer, there’s no way Christmas Vacation should even be absent from the top-five. To miss the top five because of Charlie Brown or a Brady is just insulting. I’m insulted. I feel like Ralphie when he found out that Little Orphan Annie just wanted him to drink his Ovaltine – complete and utter disgust. Son of a bitch…

SHE SAID:

When asked to rattle off my top 5 favorite Christmas Movies, hesitation was something that was behind me. Christmas is the one time of the year where you can watch a movie over and over about the same holiday and still just feel pure joy. How many movies are specifically made for Easter? Or how about Labor Day? Exactly. It literally is the most wonderful time of the year.

So without further due, I present my top 5 Christmas movies of all time.

5. Home Alone

Ok, I have seen this movie being played on TNT or TBS in the middle of the summer. So what does that mean? Classic. What else does it mean? Multi-seasonal. You can’t help but fall in love with McCauley Caulkin in this movie. And when old mcolderstein ends up helping/saving him at the end. Chills. Absolute chills. (Side note: I feel like the old dude is the same guy ‘Dear Johnny’ from Now and Then. Or maybe they just look similar. And old.) Home Alone is a pure feel good movie, and if you didn’t buy a talkboy after seeing it, you really shouldn’t be my friend. This movie is so ridiculously quotable that I feel like quoting it right now. BUZZ, YOUR GIRLFRIEND, WOOF.

4. A Very Brady Christmas

Oh, Robert Reed. Why oh why did you have to die of AIDS? What can I say about a Very Brady Christmas? Well, first of all it was nice to see all the kids back together. Why is it that the hot one (Marcia) always marries the ugly guy? And the mediocre one (Jan) marries the handsome rich one? Think: The Huxtables. Sondra married Alvin. And Denise married that tall marine guy. Weird. ANYWAYS, bottom line is anything that has Florence Henderson singing is so bad that it makes it good. And in this case-AWESOME.

3. A Charlie Brown Christmas

A simple Christmas story, with a simple man. Yes, man. Charlie Brown looks old. I’d say he’s in his mid 30s. This is a classic- one that my kids will watch, their kids will watch, and etc. Charlie Brown is a symbol of Christmas. He will never die. Even in his mid-30’s. And I'll say it- Linus is hot.

2. Love Actually

I feel it in my fingers...I feel it in my toesssss....
Matt Cook left this movie off of his list. Obviously because he is the grinch. And obviously the Jim Carrey version (which was terrible.) Everytime I think of Hugh Grant dancing I get warm fuzzy chills. This may be a chick flick, but it's also one for the years. You laugh, you cry, you become british. Isn't that what it's all about? My only gripe- I wish that Sarah (Laura Linney) and the Karl character actually got together. That was a let down. But I think they should do a Love Actually 2 and have the whole movie done with a shirtless Karl? Yes? I really should go into show business.

1. A Christmas Story

24 hours. Nonstop. Usually on TBS. How many times do I watch it a year? Usually at least 4 or 5 times during the holiday season. It never gets old. And have you ever heard someone say, 'I can't believe they are playing this again.' Never. 'You're gonna poke your eye out kid!' God, I love it. I recentley saw the guy who played Ralphie in 'The Break Up'. He will never not be Ralphie. Even when he is 80. As I'm writing this, I'm getting excited knowing that it will be replayed in the very near future. You know it's Christmas when you see this movie. It's nice that there is a symbol that really gratifies the season. So here's to bebe guns, pink bunny costumes, and frozen telephone poles. Merry Christmas!


When Cook made his selections, I wasn't too upset. Not much of them threw me off too much. I mean the fact that we both had 'A Very Brady Christmas' was monumental- since we do not agree on much. I do have to say, like I have stated above- I'm a little upset with his choice of The Jim Carrey version of 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas'. First of all, the fact that you are picking the Carrey version rather than the cartoon version just blows my mind. Secondly, Jim Carrey will be nothing but Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, so please don't bore me with your sad portrayals of classic characters of Christmas.

That concludes our first dueling blog. More to come in the weeks ahead. So to all- A happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and most importantly, a very Brady Christmas.