You say you want a resolution...

You’re still nursing a hangover from celebrating the new year. A change is the last thing on your mind. Earlier that week you decided to give up carbs as your New Year’s resolution. But you feel if you don’t have a Big Mac right now you may die. So who cares about a resolution? It just is a novelty term, right? Well, I think this sparks some sort of debate. It’s time to explore the real meaning of New Year’s Resolution-if there’s one at all.

She Said:
Every year, around the New Year I make a resolution. Why? Because I always have this “I should” feeling. And I’m ok with that. Due to this age-old tradition, a resolution gives people a reason to change something about themselves- or do something for the greater good. And really, when else do we have an excuse to do either?

Wikipedia says it best (then again, when do they not):
A New Year's Resolution is a commitment that an individual makes to a project or a habit, often a lifestyle change that is generally interpreted as advantageous. The name comes from the fact that these commitments normally go into effect on New Year's Day and remain until fulfilled.

The great thing about resolutions is their broadness. You can resolute to find a better job, or to join a gym, or even to break away from a significant other. Whatever your resolution, you have every intention of going through with it. That is of course until you f-it all up which is bound to happen some years, if not every. But messing up your resolution or not following through isn’t really the issue. The fact that people sit there and think of something that will make them happier or more productive is a step this ever corrupt world needs to take more often. (But that’s a whole other blog topic.)

Wouldn’t you just love to make resolutions for other people? A resolution for them to be less lazy, or maybe make a better attempt to be a good friend…life would be so much easier. But it isn’t easy and that’s why we have to make the resolutions for ourselves. So you may ask, “What are your resolutions this year, Laura?” I’ll get to that in second. First, I’d like to give you a list of resolutions that I never followed through on, but had every intention of doing so.

1998- Give up chocolate
2001- Take a trip overseas
2002- Give up chocolate
2005- Leave Rochester
2006- Give up chocolate

Now, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t follow through on other resolutions – like join a gym, give to charity, being awesome etc. This year, I have decided to become less judgmental and make a more solid attempt to get to the gym that has been sucking money out of me every month. Will I follow through? Maybe, maybe not. What matters is I have intentions to do so and would like to make a change. And what does change lead to? Making a difference. Deep, I know.

In one of my prestigious and intelligent magazines (US weekly), I recently read a blurb about celebrities who were asked about their New Year’s resolutions. Their answers were either, “Oh, I never make them” or “I don’t have time for that”. Oh, please. If celebrities made actual resolutions, this world may be a better place. For example, if Britney Spears were to say, “Maybe I’ll get off drugs and take care of my children this year” or if Jerry Lewis were to resolute to be less of a racist… Maybe then we’d be getting somewhere.

Believing that a resolution is a bad idea or doesn’t make any sense is the reason why you have smoked for 30 years or are still suffering that falling out with a friend over nothing. Making a resolution isn’t hurting anyone, it’s only helping – kind of like Sesame Street. So, maybe you should take some time, if you haven’t already, and make a resolution this year. And if you need some inspiration, I would take a look at some reruns of Sesame Street. It really doesn’t get any better than that.


He Said:
A possible phone conversation…

Michael J. Fox: So, Dick…Are you going to completely hand over your balls to that queen, Ryan Seacrest, or are you gonna sac-up and do the thing on New Year’s Eve?
Dick Clark: I had a fucking stroke, Mike. I have basically lost half of my brain. Have you been watching the past couple years? I think enough is enough. I feel like an idiot up there. I’m fucking Dick Clark for Christ’s sake!
MJ: That’s right. You’re fucking Dick Clark! Dick American Bandstand $10,000 Pyramid Fucking Clark who is about to pass the torch to the pied piper of American Idol.
MJ: (pause) Have you seen me do an interview when I wasn’t on my medication? How do I look when I lose control of my face? Come on. I dare you. I’ll throw in all my future royalties from Doc Hollywood and The Secret of My Success.
DC: (long pause) This is the last time…You’re such an asshole. (click)

A probable phone conversation…

ABC Producer: Hey, Dick almost that time again. This is a big one: 100th anniversary of the Time Square ball-drop. Bring back Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve one more time big guy?
Dick Clark: Hehehehhhhhhhhhh…Yeah…I think I…
ABC: (yells “He’s in!” to people in the background) OK, great. We’ll Be in touch! (click)
DC: OK…(drools)

The end result…

10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…Happy Do Year!

MJ: I am an animal…OOOWWWWWWW!
ABC: Mother !#$%….

Let’s forget that Dick Clark looks way too much like the TV characters from the diner scene in Back to the Future II. What a way to cap off a celebration that’s supposed to mark new beginnings, fresh starts and getting off on the right foot…Happy Do Year. I couldn’t be happier. Do I wish Dick had opted for dignity rather than pride? Of course. Do I understand that he had to do it because it was the 100th ball-drop and he has been New Year’s face for the past 30 years? I do. Why so happy? Because “Happy Do Year” was symbolic of everything that New Year’s is not about: new beginnings, fresh starts and getting off on the right foot.

The celebration of the New Year is nothing more than just that. It’s just one more reason for us to get together, drink and eat. New Year’s Eve is the last party and New Year’s Day is “the last supper” of the holiday season, after that, you get back to your life. And that’s why I hate “New Year’s Resolutions.” For a week or two people completely trash their bodies with candies, cookies and cakes, abnormal quantities of alcohol and six course meals, then, they go around telling each other their resolution is to start going to the gym or running on the treadmill like it was the fruit of their time spent in complete isolation, thinking of nothing but their inner demons and personal flaws. That’s not a resolution! That’s ceasing to be a glutton. The return to a normal lifestyle will be a diet in itself, so even with minimum effort success is highly probable. Everyone will be back to their lives of lethargy in no time.

If you haven’t resolved to lose weight and instead decided you were going to start reading more (or something of that nature), I commend you for making a real resolution. (This doesn’t include “being nicer.” You might think that this is a legitimate resolution, but what if an prison inmate was up for parole and told the board that he had made a resolution to be less psychotic? Think about that.) But why now? There are 52 weeks in a year, which means, there are about 52 Mondays for you to say “Let’s do this.” And really, that’s a much more realistic way to set and actually realize a goal. That’s how you accomplish things – start small. When you make a resolution you’re saying “This year…” This YEAR. You set out to start doing something on a Monday and you’re saying “Today, and probably tomorrow…” A resolution is like trying to build something from the sky down.

More than the size of the commitment, a New Year’s resolution is almost an obligation. Since it’s still Christmas for most people anyway, I’m going to use A Christmas Story to help illustrate this last point. Let’s say your New Year’s resolution is meatloaf. Once New Year’s passes it’s time to start eating your meatloaf. Right now, you should be eating your meatloaf. You might be thinking, “Aww, jeez.” OK, fine. You don’t want meatloaf. But it’s meatloaf time and everyone else is eating meatloaf. There’s always the screwdriver and plumber’s helper to shove it in, but that makes it even less appealing. Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double-beatloaf…you hate meatloaf! Well, maybe you don’t hate meatloaf, you just don’t want it now. You could just put it in the frig. You might want it later. You might even enjoy it. It could be fun! And it will be. So, a word of advice: Stop worrying about your meatloaf and just show mommy how the piggies eat.



If you have made a resolution this year and don’t follow through with it, a nice consolation will be that, unlike Lent, not following through won’t result in being punished with eternal damnation and the wrath of a spiteful, vindictive god. Happy New Year!